Rodney Dangerfiled - RIP

I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."

I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to the kitchen.

I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!